In this post, I will be spotlighting a post I made in September 2021, which didn’t get posted. The year had been tough but at that point, it seemed that things were improving. And truly, they were improving especially career-wise which was a major part of the year looking bleak.
A senior colleague had paid my PLAB 2 exam fees (a big deal as the cost of the exam was about 800 GBP at the time, over N600,000. When people ask me how much PLAB 2 fees costs, I usually don’t have an answer because I don’t know.) A dear friend had volunteered to pay for half of my flight ticket. I was to stay with my family in Manchester so my accommodation and feeding were covered. All I had to do for the exams was study and show up at the venue. Well, I also had to pay my visa application fees and build up my account but in the grand scheme of things, that was minor.
Work-wise, I had resumed at a company where I was working hybrid. Although I still wasn’t clear on a career path at the time, it seemed like a good place to be. It was about 10 minutes from where I lived, I worked remotely on some days, pay was fair and my colleagues were great. Everything seemed perfect.
So tell me why, less than 3 weeks after drafting this post (below) – and publishing this one in its stead – I had a mental breakdown.
I didn’t agree that I was depressed at the time even though I was deeply sad with crippling anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Even though I had given a talk on depression about 2 months prior, somehow I couldn’t recognise the symptoms in myself. Again, I am thankful for my friends. They told me to visit a psychiatrist even though I didn’t think I needed one. My argument was that I am a doctor so I should know if I am depressed. But I guess it doesn’t always work like that. I am thankful for my family and friends that made me visit a doctor regardless. In October 2021, I was diagnosed with clinical/severe depression. Before I go on, please read the draft from September 2021.
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If you have been following my posts since after February of this year, you’d know that the year has been the ghetto.
As much as I’ve tried to hold on and make it through it all as the power to move forward lies primarily with me, I’ve had to rely A LOT on my friends.
I wrote earlier in the year about the gift of friendship and being grateful for having great friends. Little did I know that I would need them intensely in this phase of my life.
So, this post is dedicated to my friends who have held me up in these times.
Thank you Pelumi. For always being available to listen to all my rants for hours on end. Thank you for praying with me even if you had to do it on your way to work, or in the middle of work.
Christian, thank you for always being available to listen to my rants. You calmly listen to me, whether I called you by 6 am or while you are in clinic. Thank you for the audio recommendations.
Hassan. Lol. Thank you for taking your time to listen and proffer solutions. Given your personality, I can imagine how frustrating our conversations must have been. Thank you.
Thank you Doreen, my forever hype woman. Anytime we talk, you remind me of who I am. I don’t know if you do this deliberately or just being Doreen but after each call, I feel more confident in myself. Even though we’re practically spending the call laughing and talking about random things. I remember a night before one of my interviews, and you said ‘do they know that they want to take one of our best’. Lol. It was especially needed then because the last interview I had had me freeze. I legit couldn’t think during the interview and I was just rambling. It was so terrible that at the end the interviewer out-rightly told me that I didn’t make the cut. So that anxiety of what if I flop this next one was there. (FYI, I aced it)
Fejiro. My love. Thank you for checking up on me. I like that even when we don’t talk for weeks, we can call each other and be on the phone for hours. Even though I lied to you the many times you asked how I was, thank you for being there.
Funmi, you have had the craziest year but you still make time for us to talk. She invited me to give a talk on mental health which I accepted. But a few days to the day I texted her that I wasn’t sure I could because even my own mental health was in the pits. (insert from 2022 – I think at this point I was coherent enough to know that something was wrong. But that awareness flew out the window by October 2021). She encouraged me. I eventually did the talk and I didn’t breakdown as I thought. I actually did body it. Again, my confidence was boosted. Thank you Funmi.
Fisayo, we haven’t talked much in recent times but I remember the call in July where we talked and shared stuff. That night I was genuinely happy and talking with someone who could relate made me happier. Thank you for being true.
Kado. You are a great blessing to me. Even in your whining me, you find ways to encourage me. Thank you for believing in me even when you don’t understand what exactly it is that I am doing.
Oshati. We are constantly talking and sharing frustrations. One of these talks led to you sharing a job ad with me, and that is how I got my current job. You’ve always been my plug to good things, Thank you b.
Tolani, Meepor and Ife. These three reminded me that I am not without hope, that I have a father that cares and has supplied my needs. Thank you for the prayers, the fellowship, and making your home a ‘refuge place’.
Demola. Demola listens. Like, that’s how I can describe you. You listen and are not in a rush to proffer a solution. Because sometimes, all I need is to rant. Thank you for opening your home to me. Your house became my second house because sometimes I just go there and rant to you and you listen.
Thank you Jerry. You made me see how much of a shadow of myself I had become. You literally bullied me into taking charge.
Members of ‘The Group’ – Kenny, Laotan, Taiwo. We had a community to share our frustrations. And just talking helped. And we encouraged each other. Thank you guys for your presence. It kept me sane these past months. When we blow, we will have stories for dayssss.
Omotayo. Encourager of life. Even though we weren’t so close, you were always willing to review my essays and just help in whatever way. Thank you.
Femi and Zainab. Thank you for reaching out when you noticed the trend of my posts. It was encouraging to know that people cared. Thank you.
For most of this year, I didn’t have any strength. I relied on the strength of my friends and they kept me above the waters in their ways.
The ultimate help of this year was God. He is the ultimate help of all time. I forgot that I had him. Or maybe I never knew I had him in the first place. He direct led me to TGC. I thought nothing good could come of this year but I was wrong. And I am grateful that I was. He turned this year around in a way I could have never imagined.
Everything doesn’t look perfect yet. But I know that everything is perfect, even though it may not look it. For this, I am thankful.
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I wrote the above post because I was genuinely hopeful at that point that everything will work out. It is still ‘fascinating’ how the 180 happened.
Some months ago, I asked my psychiatrist if there is a way I could have prevented the depression from happening, and his answer was that there is nothing that I could have done. (but he said now that I know the symptoms first hand and my risk, I am better equipped in the event that it rears its head again). This was very helpful because I remember blaming myself for everything, saying how me being depressed was my fault and many other things that I would rather not share in public. I still cringe when I remember those times.
On some days, I wish I could wipe the memory away, but I guess it’s good to remember for two reasons – 1. to always be reminded of God’s goodness, even when it comes through modern medicine. 2. In the event that depressive symptoms arise, I would be better able to identify them early on before I get to the place I was last year.
At present, I am very healthy, both mentally and physically. On the physical aspect, I have gained almost 20kg since I started my medications. I won’t blame it all on the meds because I believe that if I was more serious about weight loss, I would have been able to stem it. I will be better. On the mental part, I am doing great. Things are working out and I have the right perspective on those things that are taking some time to manifest. In fact, things are going so well and I am so happy that sometimes, I fear that I may be slipping into mania (even though I somehow neglect to say this at my appointments).
The reason for this mild fear is because while on admission, there was a man who was brought in on account of mania who apparently had been treated for depression months prior. (he got better after about 10 days.) I think my fear is unfounded but I am making sure to keep myself in check as much as I can. Another fear that I have sometimes is post-partum depression.
Again, the reason for this is a patient that was admitted on account of post-partum depression. That was her third or fourth admission, with her first being when she was initially diagnosed with depression (at 26, the same age that I was at that time last year). I am trusting that all these fears are unfounded and I would never have a breakdown as bad as last year’s ever again, no matter how tough life gets. And I trust God to help me in this.
I think it would be helpful here to talk a bit about the difference between sadness and depression. Sadness is a normal human emotion that occurs when a hurtful event (loss of a partner, death, job loss, etc) happens. It lasts a few hours to days and is lifted. Even though pangs of hurt come once in a while, it will not be constant 247.
Depression on the other hand is a CONSISTENT feeling of sadness and loss of hope, typically for at least 2 weeks. I recall that in those tough months, I didn’t laugh or smile for weeks on end. I remember speaking to Iyiola one night after I had started my medications and she told me how she was glad to hear my laughter and she was even teary eyed.
Depression is a loss of hope. I remember my brother asking me what would make me feel better, and I couldn’t think of 1 single thing, nothing, life just seemed pointless. I also had a lot of guilt (another symptom of depression).
Another thing to note is that clinical depression doesn’t always have a ‘physical cause’. (Although some medical conditions like thyroid diseases can cause depressive symptoms). While happenings earlier in the year made me sad, at the time the depression diagnosis was made, there was no specific external factor that the psychiatrist could pinpoint. In fact, that was the best period for me career-wise.
A lot of people say ‘I am depressed’ but most times they are sad. You can read more about the difference between sadness and depression here – sadness vs depression.
To anyone reading this who may be battling depression/suicidal thoughts, please do not keep it in. Make sure you reach out to someone, preferably a professional. You can also reach me using the contact form on my page. It gets better. And as my friend Hassan will say, ‘Life is so rich’.
This is my first post since the whole incident, and I guess I just wanted to clear the air before we resume regularly programming here.
To joy, peace and love,
Sisikunmi
