Writing this post has been on my mind for a while now, but I was unsure how to write it. I didn’t want it to come across as a sad post or one of self-pity. Different portions of what I would write have drifted in my subconscious for weeks and I decided to just put all of it on paper (even though this isn’t exactly ‘paper’).
I spent most of Q4Y2020 searching out opportunities and working on my applications. To be honest, when I started, it was only a casual affair. I really just wanted to cruise through the process. But the more time I spent, the more invested I became and so it went from being casual to being a big deal. In spite of this, I kept reminding myself that there was a chance that I would get rejections. I was giving myself these reminders because I wanted to tame my expectations. I thought it would help make the blows if they did come, easier to bear.
Q1Y2021 started with not much excitement. I am not one to believe so much in new year resolutions and all of that, but I acknowledge the sense of newness and the promise of a clean slate that comes with a new year. As much as I tried to turn my focus to work and other distractions, I couldn’t resist refreshing my e-mail and anticipating responses from the applications I made. At the time, I just wanted a response, good or bad, to put an end to my worrying.
The first rejection mail came in and it was more shocking than sad. I found myself laughing because I was lowkey stunned. It felt ridiculous to me that I would get a rejection. I got over that and looked forward to other responses. As the weeks went by, more regret emails kept coming in. At that point, it was no longer funny. It actually got sad.
I had put in a lot of effort and I had also tried to tame my expectations. I guess I was naive on both fronts. One, the world is competitive and getting into global competitions with equally determined people for limited positions makes it very likely that a rejection would be in play. Secondly, no matter how much expectations are tamed, the fact that a lot of time and energy was put in would make any rejection sting – career, relationships, investments.
In all of this, I am trying to find the good in the bad. Getting these rejections have reoriented me in ways that I believe I am better off for. It would definitely have been great to have gotten ‘congratulations’ but I am certain that is in the works in some future applications. For now, this experience has given me a first-hand example of what competing on a global scale entails and eliminating some of my Lucy tendencies. It has also helped me in developing more respect for the base rate. Most importantly, I would say it has also made me realise the need for more work to be done.
I know that the more I put myself out there, the more I would get plummeted, but my chances of getting wins also increase as the number of games increase. I won’t lie. I am still quite hurt and recovering from the blows is proving harder than I would have expected. Even the featured image for this post isn’t helping much, even though I know it to be true. Still being in this state makes writing about it not much fun and it’s also harder to point out lessons in it as I normally do with my experiences; I am mostly writing to document these feelings in this moment.
I guess it goes to show that we don’t fully know ourselves until we go through certain situations. Maybe this should make us kinder to ourselves, and to others around us as we all journey through life. I hope I get some good news soon to wash away the downs of Q1Y2021.
XoXo,
Sisikunmi
