Are you your spec’s spec?4 mins read

Recently, I saw a friend’s status with the following statement – ‘Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?’ which in simpler terms is asking – ‘Are you your spec’s spec?’. Seeing that, I remembered a post I wrote for one of my friend’s blog a couple of years back which somehow addressed this question. I planned to post it here but somehow I kept pushing it.

Yesterday, I saw the February edition of The Spark Magazine and voila!, the woman who was one of the inspirations for that post years ago was on the front page. I made a mental note to follow up on my earlier plan to post that write up.

Today, her husband also tweeted about the magazine feature I knew that I just had to get it done, like now! Today!

So, here you have it, some words on marble from a younger ‘Kunmi, unfiltered.

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I remember when I first heard about Kola Oyeneyin’s engagement. I thought, whoever that woman is, she is really lucky! I don’t really know him that well yeah, but from the little I know and the way all the ladies drool over him, I wouldn’t be wrong if I called him ‘One of the Most Eligible Bachelors in Lagos.’

Then another thought crossed my mind, not only is his fiancée (Eyitope St Matthew-Daniel) a lucky woman, Kola is a blessed man. A man like him wouldn’t go for just any woman, he would want someone who can add value to him, someone who he can grow and conquer the world with. And he found her! You know what they say, Great minds think alike!

All this made me ponder on how most of us ladies (myself inclusive) spend so much time and energy trying to find our ‘ideal’ man without even stopping for a second to ask, how ideal am I? It does take two to tango, you know.

Our focus as young single ladies (and by single I mean if you don’t have the ring yet) shouldn’t be so much about finding ‘Mr Right’ but about being ‘Miss Right’. You have to put the best version of yourself out there if you’re going to find your perfect match. So this isn’t the time to be whining about how much being single sucks or how the good ones are all taken. Get up and get going sister! This is an opportunity to work on you. Develop you and be a better you.

Hold on for a minute and think about this. Why would a handsome, hardworking, God-loving, and oh-so-perfect man even notice you? Is there something about you that makes him want to even talk to you? Or consider a relationship with you? And no I’m not talking about them fleeked out facebeats or the girdled hourglass figures (not that there’s anything wrong with those), I’m talking about the virtues he would see in you. The inner beauty that outshines the physical.

The amazing thing is that the moment we start thinking along these lines, we would begin to discover more things about ourselves than we can imagine. We would start to see the true beauty of this single life (trust me there’s beauty in it), being alone but not lonely. This is the best time in life to get closer to God, to make him our first love before any other. Because God’s love for us is far more than we can imagine. Even the angels in heaven cannot fathom it. He is practically obsessed with us, each and every one of us.

As we get to know God more, we know ourselves more. He reveals things to us. If you aren’t hearing God now, you really can’t expect to hear him when you want to choose your life partner. I don’t think it works that way. God is love, the best lover there is and ever would be. As we experience more of God, we become better at loving and when our prince charming comes along at the right time, we can love him in the best way possible.

So ladies (and guys reading this by chance), please let’s not waste this period of our lives. It’s not a time to be jumping in and out of relationships for status sake. It’s a vicious cycle that sucks your energy and leaves you hurt and broken. Trust me I’ve been there. You can build life-long, productive relationships with the opposite sex with no strings attached. Maximize this period and 10, 15, 50 years from now, you would be glad you did.

Originally published on MemoirsbyMide on June 9th, 2015.

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I believe that everything I wrote that year is still valid today, and always will be. With more experience through the years, I have a few thoughts I’d like to add.

• There is no ‘The One’ waiting for you somewhere: I personally don’t think God will be wicked enough (yes, I see it as being wicked) to assign one particular man to one particular woman. What if that man moves to a different country? Or doesn’t like you the way you like him? I believe that you meet someone special and make him/her your ‘The One’.
• Build yourself up, in every aspect: I realized that I focused more on spirituality in my post those many years ago. No one wants to be with a ‘spirikoko’ with no ambition. It’s different if your ambition is to become a preacher or a missionary. If that’s it, you still have to put in work and not just sit still. Same goes for every other ambition. Don’t just talk about it, do something about it. This also applies to our health, fitness, finances and all. Don’t let one aspect thrive while the others suffer.
• Don’t get stuck on searching and forget to live your life fully: It’s so easy to get caught up with the search and forget to just live life. Try not to get into that trap. In this period of our lives, a number of our friends and people we grew up with are getting married and it feels like nothing is happening (for the singles) or its happening too slowly (for those dating/courting but unmarried). It’s a trap that can leave you drained or settling down with the wrong person just because. Live your life and live it fully, single or not. Everything good will come.

Share your thoughts on this with me in the comment section.

P.S: It’s rather amazing how we can look back back in time and see a piece of our younger selves, in pictures or in words. I personally prefer seeing old write-ups of mine compared to pictures. Not because the pictures are terrible but because writing preserves a part of us and we realize our different and similar we are to our you