What one word stands out from your year so far?

Humility.

That’s the one word that stands out from my 2021 so far. The word has been on my mind for the past few weeks. I am not completely sure where it came from, probably from one of my many introspections but when it came it just made perfect sense. Humility.

So this year hasn’t gone the way I planned in any way and sometime in March, I subconsciously cancelled the whole year (I know this is not a great outlook to have, but…). Since then, I can say I have just been coasting. I want to say I have been on auto-pilot but that’s not entirely true. I have actually been deliberate about certain actions but on a deeper level, I am numb. The reason why humility describes my year is that this is a place I never thought I’d find myself.

On several levels, I have always considered myself to be strong and resilient, having the ability to take on whatever gets thrown my way. Even though my friends keep saying I am strong, lately all I want to do is curl up under my blanket and cry and sleep. Even typing this now, I feel the tears welling up. Thankfully, I am alone so even if they fall, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. Explaining would be a hard task because I also don’t completely get it.

I was talking with a friend recently and he said, ‘it’s like a lot is happening but nothing is happening’. I can’t fully detail here what that meant to me but for the first time in a while, I found something that summed up what I felt. And the feeling of humility came rushing back. Because this hardly ever happens to me.

This period has had me feeling and doing things I never would have expected and it just makes me really humble. I feel like it’s brought me down from a high horse and made me more empathetic. Well, I am still going through it so I can’t completely say what it made me. But I am certain that I would be kinder and less judgmental going forward.

On a regular day, I’d be able to expand on this thought and share more lessons from this experience. But it’s so hard to do that right now. I don’t know if it’s because I am still in it, or if my brain is deliberating blocking out any thoughts I would have loved to put down. This is another reason why I am humble. I almost always know how to draw lessons but it seems I am failing now.

Maybe this post in itself is a lesson. A lesson to be humble. To show that it actually could be you.

I want to be out of this place, but some things take time. I also know that while there are external factors at play, a lot of the work is internal. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have the will to do my part. But I don’t like it here so I will keep doing what I can. It’s really humbling to be here. I guess we keep learning about ourselves as we age and even we can amaze ourselves even after decades of living with ourselves.

Here’s hoping for a better second half,

Sisikunmi